Cunning, baffling, powerful ...
The relapse happens before the relapse, and I was thinking I could handle most situations with good judgement because I was sober. Yes, most I handled much better! - but in this particular case ... No... not a good idea on my part. It wasn’t this persons fault I started drinking again - it was just that I put myself in a dangerous spot. As an alcoholic, I should have never helped someone actively drinking by myself. If you must do it, I’d suggest to be super armored up, and let people know so they can be a support for you & the situation ... & talk to other people in recovery beforehand if possible. Just BEWARE of the RISK.
I was dropping someone at detox because he started drinking again. We met through AA, started dating, and our sober times together before this were great! He then relapsed. Sometimes relapse is part of recovery, and that was definitely true for me, as well as this person who I truly loved and cared about. He also had seizures when he experienced withdrawals from alcohol and needed to keep drinking all the way to the hospital on this particular evening to keep him safe. So a water bottle full of beer was with him as I drove us there at 1am. I got him admitted and he handed me the water bottle of beer in the lobby of the hospital .... I then went to use the bathroom & was ALONE (just me and the water bottle of beer). I was HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired), feeling defeated and VULNERABLE. Sad for my boyfriend & sorry for myself. After 2 years sober, I looked at myself in the mirror of that hospital bathroom and saw the alcoholic in me & I turned into her ... I drank that water bottle full of his warm beer as I stared at her reflection looking back at me, that OTHER person - the Alcoholic... CUNNING, BAFFLING, POWERFUL. The start of a relapse, leading to 2 more DUIs. The insanity began .... it’s a progressive disease & it had gotten worse than before. After that relapse in 2014, we ended up being sick together .. in and out of drinking & MISERABLE ... until I got the gift of desperation again with my last drink on 5/12/17. Thank GOD 🙏🏻 ... I have learned today in sobriety “It’s better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else.” This is key 🔑 Our own sobriety has to come before anyone or anything else. HALT is a dangerous place to be for an alcoholic! Some of the best lessons are learned the hard way.